smell my finger.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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