Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
