He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
