I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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