Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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