Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
