There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My dick has a subreddit
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
