I think I died a long time ago.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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