have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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