On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
