I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
