the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
