How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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