Will you blow on my dice?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
