So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
too bad you live with your parents still
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
