her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
