I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
