Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
