I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
