We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
