Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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