My cat gives me a boner
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
