dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
