dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
