If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
