I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
