I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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