Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
