wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
