I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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