Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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