I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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