some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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