nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
