My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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