Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize