dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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