My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
