We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
