even my farts smell like vagina
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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