Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
