She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
