i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
