He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
