why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
