so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
