my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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