in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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