Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Drunk is a universal language darling
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