I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
