Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
