i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
