i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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