then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
