Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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