I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
