when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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