I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The power of my boobs compel you
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
