When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
