maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
