dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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